I'm Sick

Everyone knows i'm type one diabetic. Yippee...

This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.

It's my gun.

I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!

Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.

I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.

I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.

Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.

I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.

Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...

Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.

OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.

none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.

i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.