Money.
My parents have paid my car for May and June. I am completely ashamed. I am the kid that they weren't supposed to worry about. They have my sister and her kids to worry about, not me. I know they dont mind doing it, they do it without ANY hesitation, they OFFER. We don't get any lecture. Just that i will be able to help them, or someone else like my nieces and nephews when we are on our feet. And i get that, and of course i'll do that. Doesn't make it a very hard pill to swallow. I am so grateful for them. Unlike a ton of parents they demand repayment, or people that have parents they know they could never go to. I am blessed with such amazingly loving GODLY parents that have so much faith.
It's not a money issue, it's a lack of faith. Where has my faith gone? I was the one in my family to wipe the tears, to pray with, that reassured my mom and the kids, that held your hand and told you everything will be ok. it's not ok and i'm not ok.
I know Robbie is trying so so so hard. We were promised better with this new job, and it isn't better at all. We both made job decisons that were wrong. He quit Courtyard with the hopes and promises that he would make double! It really...honestly..wasnt the money for us. He would have better hours, not work with lazy people, and wouldnt be so stressed. Then my grandfather died and it's all gone down hill from there. I didnt go back to work. The stress wasn't worth it. Especially now. We were not going to lose this baby and would do all we had to to make sure it wasn't gonna happen. So we lost 1400/month. he made 2400/month. With the things they told him we were going to be ok, he would make what i did. No, he makes maybe 1600/month now.
Nothing fits me. All my shorts do not button so i have to wear a belly band. The tops that do fit come to like 4. And my long summer dresses that i have to wear something with bc its sleeveless. My whole closet full, bins at home full of clothes..and nothing fits, and obvioulsy no money to buy more.
Pregnancy cravings...What's that? I have them, a lot of them, but i keep my mouth shut and the few times something slips i tell robbie i really dont want it. He jumps when i say i want... to go get it. I love him, like i said he tries so hard. But if i dont say anything he wont feel like hes not providing for me, not taking care of me, not spoiling me.
Groceries. I am on WIC. I was too prideful to ever be on govnt assisntance. I would save that for people that actually needed it. =[ Im grateful for that milk and peanut butter and bread. i get to crave pb an j and cereal! this is what holds us over. If i never have to eat hamburger helper again in my life, i will be ok. The way we spilt up our hamburger meat is small. (we buy the huge rolls) So i eat a normal helping and smaller helpings of the veggies, so robbie can have more. I just drink a lot more water so i will get full. Thankfully i am heavier bc im not starving my baby.
Robbie. I hurt the most bc of him. He is on his feet allllll day 5 days a week. Working on comission. He hasnt had a hair cut in about 2 months, his shoes have holes, and his undies...well he needs new ones. I cry every single day bc of this. But he wont but those things so we can eat. So he can suprise me with ice cream, or so we can oput gas in the car. He's even now donating plasma twice a week for 50/week for gas money. He is such a hard worker, He has been looking for a new job, and refuses over and over after me begging and begging for me to get a job. i am supposed to take of myself for Preston. That's my job. He say's.
I've told him to cut off the extra cable and the internet, but he says what am i supposed to do while im at home. He is such a good man to me and i know it breaks his heart more than mine that we are in this situation.
Im in a group on facebook. September moms of 2011. They talk about online shopping and geting this and this for baby and how they ordered all these clothes for themselves. Im jealous. I go to my appointments in the same outfits. I use minimal makeup to make it last. im just complaining now.
Im sorry. Its just hard. and i know its going to be so much harder when Preston gets here, but we will do anything for him.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I AM AMERICAN
My thought on immigration:
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
VSD
Ventricular Septal Defect
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002089/Basically, its holes in the heart.
I was told 2 weeks ago about Preston having VSD. It's actually pretty common, and if all pregnant woman got tested, there would be more cases of it. The reason most don't know is because the holes of the heart can and more than likely WILL close before he is born.
I was told i shouldn't worry. That when Preston is born to have them do an ECG, if they find nothing, we basically do nothing...he is fine. If they find the holes we may still not do anything... They may not afect him in any way, unless we see low birth weight, him not gaining weight, poor breathing, etc. At that point it would just change his diet, along with me breastfeeding ill give his a special formula, and medication. Then that may be all.
The WORST case senario, is surgery. A common surgery, and after that everything should be fine..
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
I'm Sick
Everyone knows i'm type one diabetic. Yippee...
This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.
It's my gun.
I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!
Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.
I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.
I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.
Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.
I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.
Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...
Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.
OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.
none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.
i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.
This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.
It's my gun.
I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!
Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.
I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.
I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.
Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.
I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.
Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...
Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.
OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.
none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.
i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Anjel
It's no doubt been a very hard road after losing my nephew. It's not gotten easier, at all, in no way. Can i function, yes..because i HAVE to. The crying can be controlled...i cry A LOT. When i say controlled i mean i can stop, because anything and everything will set me off to cry. But if my phone at work rings, someone walks in, etc.. I can take a deep breathe, and go on.
Nights seem to be the worst though. No one to stop for. Why stop? Robbie 'comforts' me...I'm not going to lie though, he tells me it's ok, holds me, wipes my tears, listens to me through my cries.. but it doesn't ease the pain. I love him for trying.
The pain. Never in my life have i felt pain like this. Granted, I've never been hurt too bad physically. I've seen a lot of death. Especially friends. Growing up, even now, i've gone to more friends funerals, than family. But still.. way to much death. But that.. DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS! I'm not saying it was suppsoed to, maybe it was, who knows. But it's a deep down hurt. I literally feel a peice missing. Seriously.
Let me get this out...
I KNOW he's so much better. He is whole. PERFECT. (the crying starts..) HE CAN BREATHE! my baby boy can breathe.. He couldn't on earth. His lungs weren't good. Even after the transplant. He doesn't have that anxious fear while walking if he can make it, if the oxygen won't cut off.
I would never wish that upon him again. If i had a magic genie and could bring him back, i wouldn't.
That still doesn't make it better.
Maybe i'm not faithful, not as faithful as i used to be. I'm a hyprocrite. Or maybe that's me trying to figure things out, understand it as best as i can to manage. My family (parents, sibling, neices nephews that's MY family) we have gone through so damn much. NEVER asking why. NEVER wondering. Dealing. Serving God. Giving to others. My dad taught me to ALWAYS give. If we were good, bills paid, good clothes on our backs, and food to eat, give away the rest. b/c someone is ALWAYS worse off. So.. we did. I'm not bragging by any means. We were poor, we were rich. Monetarily anyway. But always rich with love bc my parents taught us, GOD IS GOOD. We never asked for anything. nothing. It wasn't a pride thing. My parents went without so we wouldn't.
BUT the one thing we asked for, a miracle for mijo. We were failed.
I told them "but we did get our miracle. Who knows if he was suppsoed to die getting a double lung transplant. Maybe even before that when he had his first operation. WHO KNOWS
But more times than not, i feel we were failed.
I KNOW that sounds so horrible. but that's how i felt. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I took care of the house and went to college while my mom and dad took turns in Houston with Anjel. We could't count on my sister, then she eventually she went to jail. We managed on what we could. We did it. ALL WE WANTED WAS ANJEL BETTER. THAT.IS. ALL.
We got it, just not in the way we wanted.
I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father needed him more than we did.
GOD THIS HURTS! i want to scream.
I'm honestly not angry with Heavenly Father, as much as it may seem like i am, i'm not. It's my own hurt. Mijo is perfect. I just miss him. It hurts to breathe without him.
I talk to him all the time. I know he's there. I know he's listening. But dammit i want to hear him! I want to hear his voice. See his smile. God.. hear his laugh. again anger from myself bc that is fading away. As much as i try to remember and hold on it's fading. All i remember is his 'dang', 'chill' and the tongue smack. It's not enough. and please don't say well at least you still have that.
I'm angry with myself. I know my family needed me here so they could be there. I GOT ZERO TIME WITH HIM. And for the short time he was ok, he was with freinds, girlfriends, school... When he was sick at home i worked nights.... i regret that so so so so so much. I slept, went to work, and repeated. I remeber getting frustrated with him. I would just fall asleep and my mom would say anjel needs you to calm him down (we all had our moments/gifts with him. I was the one he needed for prayer, and to calm him down. When he started getting anxious i'd go hold his hand and tell him to breath..slowly..in and out. breathe with him. and it worked. He hated when anyone else tried.. it had to be me. The prayer. He wanted my insight. He would tell me if God would answer his prayers. If he would be able to walk and breathe normally. That in his dreams he could walk. BREATHE. And i'd tell him, mijo just pray. God is so GOOD and you will get better. We would cry. and Then i'd pray. Hold him and pray outloud with him.
I GOT FRUSTRATED bc of that. i neede to sleep bc i had to work 12 hrs that night. Wwhy couldnt someone else help him. So i got out of bed mad, did what i had to, and left. I HATE MYSELF for that.
I hope he forgives me. I hope that he knows i love him so much. i need him.
I think that's why i cry so much now. Does he forgive me? Does he know i would change that? Does he know i wish i could have taken his sickness from him? Does he know i prayed for him daily? Does he know i'd give up way more. Even if was only with us for the same amount of time, I would have given up EVERYTHING? Screw college, i would have been there by his side. Holding his hand. Screw a great paying job in the field i went to school for.. I would have been there by his side DAY AND NIGHT. I hope he knows that.. I know he knows that. But i haven't forgiven myself. I can't and probably won't.
He was suppsoed to help me with his brothers and sisters. With mom and dad. With his mom. I NEED HIM. I'm sorry i'm so selfish but i need him.
I just miss you. I'm sorry for not being there, but i did what i thought was right. Everyone had their place. I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Everyone that has and will know me, WILL KNOW YOU. I am so grateful your not in pain. And i will take this pain, just to know your not in any. Just please forgive me. I love you mijo, my Anjel baby.
Nights seem to be the worst though. No one to stop for. Why stop? Robbie 'comforts' me...I'm not going to lie though, he tells me it's ok, holds me, wipes my tears, listens to me through my cries.. but it doesn't ease the pain. I love him for trying.
The pain. Never in my life have i felt pain like this. Granted, I've never been hurt too bad physically. I've seen a lot of death. Especially friends. Growing up, even now, i've gone to more friends funerals, than family. But still.. way to much death. But that.. DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS! I'm not saying it was suppsoed to, maybe it was, who knows. But it's a deep down hurt. I literally feel a peice missing. Seriously.
Let me get this out...
I KNOW he's so much better. He is whole. PERFECT. (the crying starts..) HE CAN BREATHE! my baby boy can breathe.. He couldn't on earth. His lungs weren't good. Even after the transplant. He doesn't have that anxious fear while walking if he can make it, if the oxygen won't cut off.
I would never wish that upon him again. If i had a magic genie and could bring him back, i wouldn't.
That still doesn't make it better.
Maybe i'm not faithful, not as faithful as i used to be. I'm a hyprocrite. Or maybe that's me trying to figure things out, understand it as best as i can to manage. My family (parents, sibling, neices nephews that's MY family) we have gone through so damn much. NEVER asking why. NEVER wondering. Dealing. Serving God. Giving to others. My dad taught me to ALWAYS give. If we were good, bills paid, good clothes on our backs, and food to eat, give away the rest. b/c someone is ALWAYS worse off. So.. we did. I'm not bragging by any means. We were poor, we were rich. Monetarily anyway. But always rich with love bc my parents taught us, GOD IS GOOD. We never asked for anything. nothing. It wasn't a pride thing. My parents went without so we wouldn't.
BUT the one thing we asked for, a miracle for mijo. We were failed.
I told them "but we did get our miracle. Who knows if he was suppsoed to die getting a double lung transplant. Maybe even before that when he had his first operation. WHO KNOWS
But more times than not, i feel we were failed.
I KNOW that sounds so horrible. but that's how i felt. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I took care of the house and went to college while my mom and dad took turns in Houston with Anjel. We could't count on my sister, then she eventually she went to jail. We managed on what we could. We did it. ALL WE WANTED WAS ANJEL BETTER. THAT.IS. ALL.
We got it, just not in the way we wanted.
I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father needed him more than we did.
GOD THIS HURTS! i want to scream.
I'm honestly not angry with Heavenly Father, as much as it may seem like i am, i'm not. It's my own hurt. Mijo is perfect. I just miss him. It hurts to breathe without him.
I talk to him all the time. I know he's there. I know he's listening. But dammit i want to hear him! I want to hear his voice. See his smile. God.. hear his laugh. again anger from myself bc that is fading away. As much as i try to remember and hold on it's fading. All i remember is his 'dang', 'chill' and the tongue smack. It's not enough. and please don't say well at least you still have that.
I'm angry with myself. I know my family needed me here so they could be there. I GOT ZERO TIME WITH HIM. And for the short time he was ok, he was with freinds, girlfriends, school... When he was sick at home i worked nights.... i regret that so so so so so much. I slept, went to work, and repeated. I remeber getting frustrated with him. I would just fall asleep and my mom would say anjel needs you to calm him down (we all had our moments/gifts with him. I was the one he needed for prayer, and to calm him down. When he started getting anxious i'd go hold his hand and tell him to breath..slowly..in and out. breathe with him. and it worked. He hated when anyone else tried.. it had to be me. The prayer. He wanted my insight. He would tell me if God would answer his prayers. If he would be able to walk and breathe normally. That in his dreams he could walk. BREATHE. And i'd tell him, mijo just pray. God is so GOOD and you will get better. We would cry. and Then i'd pray. Hold him and pray outloud with him.
I GOT FRUSTRATED bc of that. i neede to sleep bc i had to work 12 hrs that night. Wwhy couldnt someone else help him. So i got out of bed mad, did what i had to, and left. I HATE MYSELF for that.
I hope he forgives me. I hope that he knows i love him so much. i need him.
I think that's why i cry so much now. Does he forgive me? Does he know i would change that? Does he know i wish i could have taken his sickness from him? Does he know i prayed for him daily? Does he know i'd give up way more. Even if was only with us for the same amount of time, I would have given up EVERYTHING? Screw college, i would have been there by his side. Holding his hand. Screw a great paying job in the field i went to school for.. I would have been there by his side DAY AND NIGHT. I hope he knows that.. I know he knows that. But i haven't forgiven myself. I can't and probably won't.
He was suppsoed to help me with his brothers and sisters. With mom and dad. With his mom. I NEED HIM. I'm sorry i'm so selfish but i need him.
I just miss you. I'm sorry for not being there, but i did what i thought was right. Everyone had their place. I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Everyone that has and will know me, WILL KNOW YOU. I am so grateful your not in pain. And i will take this pain, just to know your not in any. Just please forgive me. I love you mijo, my Anjel baby.
ANJEL CANUTO AYALA
JUNE 29, 1991- DECEMBER 31, 2008
Gone too soon.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I wish you knew
I wish you knew how much i love you.
I wish you knew how i look at you and THANK HEAVENLY FATHER for you.
I wish you knew that you are the answers to all my prayers.
I wish you knew what you have done for me.
It's when you hold my hand.
It's when you kiss my head.
It's when you look at me.
The way i fit so perfectly in your arms.
The way you call my name.
The way you take care of me.
It's all you CONSTANTLY do for me, Especially when i don't deserve it.
The way you tell me you love me... I know it's true.
I could tell you over and over, I could write you a note every single day..but it will not ever give you a glimpse of what you mean to me.
Robert Mitchell Gibb Jr., I could'nt ask for anyone better. I could't ask for a better father for my children. I could't ask for a better husband.
I love you.
I wish you knew how i look at you and THANK HEAVENLY FATHER for you.
I wish you knew that you are the answers to all my prayers.
I wish you knew what you have done for me.
It's when you hold my hand.
It's when you kiss my head.
It's when you look at me.
The way i fit so perfectly in your arms.
The way you call my name.
The way you take care of me.
It's all you CONSTANTLY do for me, Especially when i don't deserve it.
The way you tell me you love me... I know it's true.
I could tell you over and over, I could write you a note every single day..but it will not ever give you a glimpse of what you mean to me.
Robert Mitchell Gibb Jr., I could'nt ask for anyone better. I could't ask for a better father for my children. I could't ask for a better husband.
I love you.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
But...that's not what's on my mind... it's money.
I've always been a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING. IT was inherited.. really.
But lately, now that i'm trying to see if i can go to part time, to even quit after the baby is born and i've noticed..I have no idea how much we spend on eating out, how much we COULD save, and how if i quit.. we will have nothing. I'm not saying i make tons, only a lil over 1,400 a month.
BUT
That pays for the "fun" the little neccessities like TP, Tooth paste, SHAMPOO... stuff that i really didn't realize comes from my check.
Maybe it's normal. Maybe i need to find a bbetter paying job...or maybe i need to calm down and know God will provide.
That was my rant today.
I'm not going to post about the awesome flowers and chocolates Robie gave me.. bc.. I tld him we can't afford that :/
Oh goodness.
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