Heartbeat

Yesterday i went in to see the fabulous Dr. Rhodes. This was a nerve racking appointment. 6 weeks.... Last pregnancy at 6 weeks my world changed and found/heard no heart beat. and then began the downward spiral of a miscarriage. So this time, was a "make it or break it" for me.  I wanted to go in and one of two things happen.. hear a heart beat, then scream to the world i'm having a baby, or not hear one, do what i need, and move on. I know that probably seems so harsh. But after that experience i was drained emotionally, on all levels. Life was a motionless day to day thing. I had a great support around me, but it didn't matter. My husband, poor Robbie, was married to a zombie and i brought him down with me. Every where i looked was pregnant woman and it wasn't fair. Why them and not me? I was just, horrible. So, to get to the point, if it was going to happen again, i wasn't going to drown in it...again.

BUT, we saw that little heart beating, fast, strong, so full of life. I could finally breath. Of course, i'm still nervous. Still so many what ifs. But i have so many reasons to be positive. Our entire world is about to change, and we are so completely ready for it. I want all the symptoms.. i know why would i want them... but to me that confirms pregnancy. The morning sickness, bloating, cravings, i want it all. But i haven't gotten them all. I know not all pregnancies are the same, and not every woman will get every symptom.

I'm scared and nervous, but most of all, excited. I think i will be a fabulous mother. I mean afterall i did help raise all 5 of my nieces and nephews! Ha, then i come to reality and know, i really have no clue. This is going to be totally different. Yes, i do know alot. It wasn't a situation where my sister brought the kids over and i babysat. No, i missed out on so much to help. I already had the sleepless nights, being in the ER overnight, searching Midland for a nephew, PTA meetings, getting called out of school/work, to go get a kid, getting thrown up on, peed on, chaning a million diapers a night, the tears, ALL of it. No, i wouldn't change a thing. But it's still going to be different. This is my child. As much as i was the kids aunt/mom/sister, I will be this childs mom, and mom only.

i'm sure none of this makes sense. and i am really just blabbering on. I know i will get the whole "IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME KNOW" so here it is:

PRAY. Pray for my child to grow, grow strong and healthy. That is all i need right now.

ok, so imma go wipe these tears and i promise, i am taking care of myself!