Nights seem to be the worst though. No one to stop for. Why stop? Robbie 'comforts' me...I'm not going to lie though, he tells me it's ok, holds me, wipes my tears, listens to me through my cries.. but it doesn't ease the pain. I love him for trying.
The pain. Never in my life have i felt pain like this. Granted, I've never been hurt too bad physically. I've seen a lot of death. Especially friends. Growing up, even now, i've gone to more friends funerals, than family. But still.. way to much death. But that.. DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS! I'm not saying it was suppsoed to, maybe it was, who knows. But it's a deep down hurt. I literally feel a peice missing. Seriously.
Let me get this out...
I KNOW he's so much better. He is whole. PERFECT. (the crying starts..) HE CAN BREATHE! my baby boy can breathe.. He couldn't on earth. His lungs weren't good. Even after the transplant. He doesn't have that anxious fear while walking if he can make it, if the oxygen won't cut off.
I would never wish that upon him again. If i had a magic genie and could bring him back, i wouldn't.
That still doesn't make it better.
Maybe i'm not faithful, not as faithful as i used to be. I'm a hyprocrite. Or maybe that's me trying to figure things out, understand it as best as i can to manage. My family (parents, sibling, neices nephews that's MY family) we have gone through so damn much. NEVER asking why. NEVER wondering. Dealing. Serving God. Giving to others. My dad taught me to ALWAYS give. If we were good, bills paid, good clothes on our backs, and food to eat, give away the rest. b/c someone is ALWAYS worse off. So.. we did. I'm not bragging by any means. We were poor, we were rich. Monetarily anyway. But always rich with love bc my parents taught us, GOD IS GOOD. We never asked for anything. nothing. It wasn't a pride thing. My parents went without so we wouldn't.
BUT the one thing we asked for, a miracle for mijo. We were failed.
I told them "but we did get our miracle. Who knows if he was suppsoed to die getting a double lung transplant. Maybe even before that when he had his first operation. WHO KNOWS
But more times than not, i feel we were failed.
I KNOW that sounds so horrible. but that's how i felt. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I took care of the house and went to college while my mom and dad took turns in Houston with Anjel. We could't count on my sister, then she eventually she went to jail. We managed on what we could. We did it. ALL WE WANTED WAS ANJEL BETTER. THAT.IS. ALL.
We got it, just not in the way we wanted.
I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father needed him more than we did.
GOD THIS HURTS! i want to scream.
I'm honestly not angry with Heavenly Father, as much as it may seem like i am, i'm not. It's my own hurt. Mijo is perfect. I just miss him. It hurts to breathe without him.
I talk to him all the time. I know he's there. I know he's listening. But dammit i want to hear him! I want to hear his voice. See his smile. God.. hear his laugh. again anger from myself bc that is fading away. As much as i try to remember and hold on it's fading. All i remember is his 'dang', 'chill' and the tongue smack. It's not enough. and please don't say well at least you still have that.
I'm angry with myself. I know my family needed me here so they could be there. I GOT ZERO TIME WITH HIM. And for the short time he was ok, he was with freinds, girlfriends, school... When he was sick at home i worked nights.... i regret that so so so so so much. I slept, went to work, and repeated. I remeber getting frustrated with him. I would just fall asleep and my mom would say anjel needs you to calm him down (we all had our moments/gifts with him. I was the one he needed for prayer, and to calm him down. When he started getting anxious i'd go hold his hand and tell him to breath..slowly..in and out. breathe with him. and it worked. He hated when anyone else tried.. it had to be me. The prayer. He wanted my insight. He would tell me if God would answer his prayers. If he would be able to walk and breathe normally. That in his dreams he could walk. BREATHE. And i'd tell him, mijo just pray. God is so GOOD and you will get better. We would cry. and Then i'd pray. Hold him and pray outloud with him.
I GOT FRUSTRATED bc of that. i neede to sleep bc i had to work 12 hrs that night. Wwhy couldnt someone else help him. So i got out of bed mad, did what i had to, and left. I HATE MYSELF for that.
I hope he forgives me. I hope that he knows i love him so much. i need him.
I think that's why i cry so much now. Does he forgive me? Does he know i would change that? Does he know i wish i could have taken his sickness from him? Does he know i prayed for him daily? Does he know i'd give up way more. Even if was only with us for the same amount of time, I would have given up EVERYTHING? Screw college, i would have been there by his side. Holding his hand. Screw a great paying job in the field i went to school for.. I would have been there by his side DAY AND NIGHT. I hope he knows that.. I know he knows that. But i haven't forgiven myself. I can't and probably won't.
He was suppsoed to help me with his brothers and sisters. With mom and dad. With his mom. I NEED HIM. I'm sorry i'm so selfish but i need him.
I just miss you. I'm sorry for not being there, but i did what i thought was right. Everyone had their place. I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Everyone that has and will know me, WILL KNOW YOU. I am so grateful your not in pain. And i will take this pain, just to know your not in any. Just please forgive me. I love you mijo, my Anjel baby.
ANJEL CANUTO AYALA
JUNE 29, 1991- DECEMBER 31, 2008
Gone too soon.
