Monica

I miss you. I've always missed you. I dream about you what seems like every night. I know it's my subconsious bringing out my need to have you near me. But when you call, i have nothing to tell you.

For the people that have known my life struggles would say one of my best qualities is my forgiveness. (not my words, promise) I'm so very quick to forgive. I know it's not my place to judge you, or your actions. I know that we are not perfect, we all make mistakes, and that my judgement on you is WORSE than whatever you did 'wrong'. We will all face our judgement.

When i say my life struggles, i haven't been hurt 'personally' It's all dealing with my family... sickness, JUDGEMENT, physical, mental, sexual abuse, Etc. Those people are forgiven. Bottom of my soul, with all of my heart, forgiven. Yes, you, the one that hurt my family, i can and will shake your hand when and if i see you. I will and do with you the best. May God be with you.

To the ones that judge me and my family for my sisters actions, i forgive you also. It's not dirt on my shoulder. I know who i am, what i've done, what i've acheieved, and my character. I am nothing like my sister. But that does NOT mean i will not stand up for her, bc i will.

Let's get one thing straight. I do not condone what my sister has done. Look her up, look up why she is in prision for life... but rememeber what i mention about judgement. Judge at your own risk.

Working for a drug rehab made me open my eyes to my sister illness. Yes, illness. She was hooked and sucked into drugs, crack to be exact. When it was all going on (her drug use) i didn't understand. Why was she doing this to the people that loved her the most? Why was she leaving her children? Why was she chosing men and sex over us? Why this drug? i didnt understand addiction. Why couldnt she JUST STOP? I understand now. It wasnt her making those decisions. It wasnt her that kicked me to the ground and left me there (figuratively) It was the drug. IT consumed her. When she was high she was lost. Those actions were not of her own. but you see i say that.. and i do know that.

My point is that i thought i've forgiven her. Because of what i know now. But i havent. I've forgiven EVERYONE else. People that dont mean a thing to me or my life. I forgave them... but not my own sister. I am SO mad at her.

I will pick up her slack as a mother and daughter. You all now that. Everything is left to me. OK, that's ok. But i'm so angry.


You left me to Monica. You're only sister. You left me to defend for myself. To go through life without you. I'll never know whats its like to go to my sisters house and have lunch. To go shopping with you. I couldnt call you when i was in love or when my heart broke. We couldnt plot fake revenge on the boys that hurt me. You werent there to help me pick my wedding dress. You werent there to fix my hair on my wedding day. I couldnt call you to tell you i was pregnant. I couldnt come cry to you when i lost my baby. I couldnt call you to find out if these pregnancy pains are something to worry about or if im a pansy. And now, 2 days before i give birth and YOU ARE NOT HERE! I wanna scream that i hate you, but i dont. Im so HURT by you. I will go through this without you, just like every other milestone in my life. And the horrible horrible person inside of me hopes that hurts you.


Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe its just finally all coming up. I thought i put it passed me and put on my strong face. How dare you do what you did to us. YOU hurt us most of all.

You know why this hurts so much Monica? Because i love you so damn much. You are my big sister, my ONLY sister. You were supposed to take care of me. now im taking care of everything bc you cant. Maybe finally getting all of this out with help me move on. Maybe i need to let you read this so you know whats truly in my heart. Maybe this anger is what keeps me from talking to you when you call, and what keeps me from going to see you.

You tell me that your still here. That you may be in jail but your not dead. No, your not dead, but your not here. I can't hear , write her, call her, at least she is alive...etc. No!

I dont even know what else to say. The tears have stopped. MAybe thats all i have to say to you. I'll work on my anger. idk if it is anger. But you do deserve my absolute forgiveness. And one day, you will have it.

Again, I love you. So much, i love you. Even with all we've never had and have gone without we still have a bond. I love you.

Day 3 of the hospital

Pre-Eclampsia.

LAME!

That's what they say i have. I think, along with all my nurses even my OB think its pretty bogus. But i'm here. I wanted to go home if i could. Of course i would stay if necessary and apparently it is. I did get more leeway as to sitting in a chair or getting in the wheelchair and moving around. The first 2 days i HAD to be in bed on my sides. Talk about back pain!

Robbie has been by my side and i know it hurts him having to leave. He just started his new job so he needs to take care of that. My parents have been here everyday so im ok.

Preston is moving around SO MUCH! I can feel different body parts and he hates when i press down on him. =] This is will miss. The constant worry, this hospital stay, the pain of labor... no. I cant wait to hold my baby in my arms.. gah my own lil child. MINE. not my sisters or my freinds.. he mine. I created this miracle with the man that loves me more than life itself... how amazing is that.

I might write more randomness while being here, seeing as i still have 7 days left unless something happens before then. Please keep my lil boy in your prayers through this process. I love texts! Keep me some company =]