Money.
My parents have paid my car for May and June. I am completely ashamed. I am the kid that they weren't supposed to worry about. They have my sister and her kids to worry about, not me. I know they dont mind doing it, they do it without ANY hesitation, they OFFER. We don't get any lecture. Just that i will be able to help them, or someone else like my nieces and nephews when we are on our feet. And i get that, and of course i'll do that. Doesn't make it a very hard pill to swallow. I am so grateful for them. Unlike a ton of parents they demand repayment, or people that have parents they know they could never go to. I am blessed with such amazingly loving GODLY parents that have so much faith.
It's not a money issue, it's a lack of faith. Where has my faith gone? I was the one in my family to wipe the tears, to pray with, that reassured my mom and the kids, that held your hand and told you everything will be ok. it's not ok and i'm not ok.
I know Robbie is trying so so so hard. We were promised better with this new job, and it isn't better at all. We both made job decisons that were wrong. He quit Courtyard with the hopes and promises that he would make double! It really...honestly..wasnt the money for us. He would have better hours, not work with lazy people, and wouldnt be so stressed. Then my grandfather died and it's all gone down hill from there. I didnt go back to work. The stress wasn't worth it. Especially now. We were not going to lose this baby and would do all we had to to make sure it wasn't gonna happen. So we lost 1400/month. he made 2400/month. With the things they told him we were going to be ok, he would make what i did. No, he makes maybe 1600/month now.
Nothing fits me. All my shorts do not button so i have to wear a belly band. The tops that do fit come to like 4. And my long summer dresses that i have to wear something with bc its sleeveless. My whole closet full, bins at home full of clothes..and nothing fits, and obvioulsy no money to buy more.
Pregnancy cravings...What's that? I have them, a lot of them, but i keep my mouth shut and the few times something slips i tell robbie i really dont want it. He jumps when i say i want... to go get it. I love him, like i said he tries so hard. But if i dont say anything he wont feel like hes not providing for me, not taking care of me, not spoiling me.
Groceries. I am on WIC. I was too prideful to ever be on govnt assisntance. I would save that for people that actually needed it. =[ Im grateful for that milk and peanut butter and bread. i get to crave pb an j and cereal! this is what holds us over. If i never have to eat hamburger helper again in my life, i will be ok. The way we spilt up our hamburger meat is small. (we buy the huge rolls) So i eat a normal helping and smaller helpings of the veggies, so robbie can have more. I just drink a lot more water so i will get full. Thankfully i am heavier bc im not starving my baby.
Robbie. I hurt the most bc of him. He is on his feet allllll day 5 days a week. Working on comission. He hasnt had a hair cut in about 2 months, his shoes have holes, and his undies...well he needs new ones. I cry every single day bc of this. But he wont but those things so we can eat. So he can suprise me with ice cream, or so we can oput gas in the car. He's even now donating plasma twice a week for 50/week for gas money. He is such a hard worker, He has been looking for a new job, and refuses over and over after me begging and begging for me to get a job. i am supposed to take of myself for Preston. That's my job. He say's.
I've told him to cut off the extra cable and the internet, but he says what am i supposed to do while im at home. He is such a good man to me and i know it breaks his heart more than mine that we are in this situation.
Im in a group on facebook. September moms of 2011. They talk about online shopping and geting this and this for baby and how they ordered all these clothes for themselves. Im jealous. I go to my appointments in the same outfits. I use minimal makeup to make it last. im just complaining now.
Im sorry. Its just hard. and i know its going to be so much harder when Preston gets here, but we will do anything for him.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I AM AMERICAN
My thought on immigration:
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
VSD
Ventricular Septal Defect
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002089/Basically, its holes in the heart.
I was told 2 weeks ago about Preston having VSD. It's actually pretty common, and if all pregnant woman got tested, there would be more cases of it. The reason most don't know is because the holes of the heart can and more than likely WILL close before he is born.
I was told i shouldn't worry. That when Preston is born to have them do an ECG, if they find nothing, we basically do nothing...he is fine. If they find the holes we may still not do anything... They may not afect him in any way, unless we see low birth weight, him not gaining weight, poor breathing, etc. At that point it would just change his diet, along with me breastfeeding ill give his a special formula, and medication. Then that may be all.
The WORST case senario, is surgery. A common surgery, and after that everything should be fine..
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
I'm Sick
Everyone knows i'm type one diabetic. Yippee...
This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.
It's my gun.
I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!
Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.
I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.
I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.
Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.
I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.
Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...
Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.
OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.
none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.
i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.
This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.
It's my gun.
I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!
Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.
I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.
I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.
Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.
I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.
Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...
Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.
OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.
none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.
i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.
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