i just need to vent..again

Money.
My parents have paid my car for May and June. I am completely ashamed. I am the kid that they weren't supposed to worry about. They have my sister and her kids to worry about, not me. I know they dont mind doing it, they do it without ANY hesitation, they OFFER. We don't get any lecture. Just that i will be able to help them, or someone else like my nieces and nephews when we are on our feet. And i get that, and of course i'll do that. Doesn't make it a very hard pill to swallow. I am so grateful for them. Unlike a ton of parents they demand repayment, or people that have parents they know they could never go to. I am blessed with such amazingly loving GODLY parents that have so much faith.

It's not a money issue, it's a lack of faith. Where has my faith gone? I was the one in my family to wipe the tears, to pray with, that reassured my mom and the kids, that held your hand and told you everything will be ok. it's not ok and i'm not ok.

I know Robbie is trying so so so hard. We were promised better with this new job, and it isn't better at all. We both made job decisons that were wrong. He quit Courtyard with the hopes and promises that he would make double! It really...honestly..wasnt the money for us. He would have better hours, not work with lazy people, and wouldnt be so stressed. Then my grandfather died and it's all gone down hill from there. I didnt go back to work. The stress wasn't worth it. Especially now. We were not going to lose this baby and would do all we had to to make sure it wasn't gonna happen. So we lost 1400/month. he made 2400/month. With the things they told him we were going to be ok, he would make what i did. No, he makes maybe 1600/month now.

Nothing fits me. All my shorts do not button so i have to wear a belly band. The tops that do fit come to like 4. And my long summer dresses that i have to wear something with bc its sleeveless.  My whole closet full, bins at home full of clothes..and nothing fits, and obvioulsy no money to buy more.
Pregnancy cravings...What's that? I have them, a lot of them, but i keep my mouth shut and the few times something slips i tell robbie i really dont want it. He jumps when i say i want... to go get it. I love him, like i said he tries so hard. But if i dont say anything he wont feel like hes not providing for me, not taking care of me, not spoiling me.
Groceries. I am on WIC. I was too prideful to ever be on govnt assisntance. I would save that for people that actually needed it. =[ Im grateful for that milk and peanut butter and bread. i get to crave pb an j and cereal! this is what holds us over. If i never have to eat hamburger helper again in my life, i will be ok. The way we spilt up our hamburger meat is small. (we buy the huge rolls) So i eat a normal helping and smaller helpings of the veggies, so robbie can have more. I just drink a lot more water so i will get full. Thankfully i am heavier bc im not starving my baby.
Robbie. I hurt the most bc of him. He is on his feet allllll day 5 days a week. Working on comission. He hasnt had a hair cut in about 2 months, his shoes have holes, and his undies...well he needs new ones. I cry every single day bc of this. But he wont but those things so we can eat. So he can suprise me with ice cream, or so we can oput gas in the car. He's even now donating plasma twice a week for 50/week for gas money. He is such a hard worker, He has been looking for a new job, and refuses over and over after me begging and begging for me to get a job. i am supposed to take of myself for Preston. That's my job. He say's.
I've told him to cut off the extra cable and the internet, but he says what am i supposed to do while im at home. He is such a good man to me and i know it breaks his heart more than mine that we are in this situation.

Im in a group on facebook. September moms of 2011. They talk about online shopping and geting this and this for baby and how they ordered all these clothes for themselves. Im jealous. I go to my appointments in the same outfits. I use minimal makeup to make it last. im just complaining now.

Im sorry. Its just hard. and i know its going to be so much harder when Preston gets here, but we will do anything for him.