I miss you. I've always missed you. I dream about you what seems like every night. I know it's my subconsious bringing out my need to have you near me. But when you call, i have nothing to tell you.
For the people that have known my life struggles would say one of my best qualities is my forgiveness. (not my words, promise) I'm so very quick to forgive. I know it's not my place to judge you, or your actions. I know that we are not perfect, we all make mistakes, and that my judgement on you is WORSE than whatever you did 'wrong'. We will all face our judgement.
When i say my life struggles, i haven't been hurt 'personally' It's all dealing with my family... sickness, JUDGEMENT, physical, mental, sexual abuse, Etc. Those people are forgiven. Bottom of my soul, with all of my heart, forgiven. Yes, you, the one that hurt my family, i can and will shake your hand when and if i see you. I will and do with you the best. May God be with you.
To the ones that judge me and my family for my sisters actions, i forgive you also. It's not dirt on my shoulder. I know who i am, what i've done, what i've acheieved, and my character. I am nothing like my sister. But that does NOT mean i will not stand up for her, bc i will.
Let's get one thing straight. I do not condone what my sister has done. Look her up, look up why she is in prision for life... but rememeber what i mention about judgement. Judge at your own risk.
Working for a drug rehab made me open my eyes to my sister illness. Yes, illness. She was hooked and sucked into drugs, crack to be exact. When it was all going on (her drug use) i didn't understand. Why was she doing this to the people that loved her the most? Why was she leaving her children? Why was she chosing men and sex over us? Why this drug? i didnt understand addiction. Why couldnt she JUST STOP? I understand now. It wasnt her making those decisions. It wasnt her that kicked me to the ground and left me there (figuratively) It was the drug. IT consumed her. When she was high she was lost. Those actions were not of her own. but you see i say that.. and i do know that.
My point is that i thought i've forgiven her. Because of what i know now. But i havent. I've forgiven EVERYONE else. People that dont mean a thing to me or my life. I forgave them... but not my own sister. I am SO mad at her.
I will pick up her slack as a mother and daughter. You all now that. Everything is left to me. OK, that's ok. But i'm so angry.
You left me to Monica. You're only sister. You left me to defend for myself. To go through life without you. I'll never know whats its like to go to my sisters house and have lunch. To go shopping with you. I couldnt call you when i was in love or when my heart broke. We couldnt plot fake revenge on the boys that hurt me. You werent there to help me pick my wedding dress. You werent there to fix my hair on my wedding day. I couldnt call you to tell you i was pregnant. I couldnt come cry to you when i lost my baby. I couldnt call you to find out if these pregnancy pains are something to worry about or if im a pansy. And now, 2 days before i give birth and YOU ARE NOT HERE! I wanna scream that i hate you, but i dont. Im so HURT by you. I will go through this without you, just like every other milestone in my life. And the horrible horrible person inside of me hopes that hurts you.
Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe its just finally all coming up. I thought i put it passed me and put on my strong face. How dare you do what you did to us. YOU hurt us most of all.
You know why this hurts so much Monica? Because i love you so damn much. You are my big sister, my ONLY sister. You were supposed to take care of me. now im taking care of everything bc you cant. Maybe finally getting all of this out with help me move on. Maybe i need to let you read this so you know whats truly in my heart. Maybe this anger is what keeps me from talking to you when you call, and what keeps me from going to see you.
You tell me that your still here. That you may be in jail but your not dead. No, your not dead, but your not here. I can't hear , write her, call her, at least she is alive...etc. No!
I dont even know what else to say. The tears have stopped. MAybe thats all i have to say to you. I'll work on my anger. idk if it is anger. But you do deserve my absolute forgiveness. And one day, you will have it.
Again, I love you. So much, i love you. Even with all we've never had and have gone without we still have a bond. I love you.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Day 3 of the hospital
Pre-Eclampsia.
LAME!
That's what they say i have. I think, along with all my nurses even my OB think its pretty bogus. But i'm here. I wanted to go home if i could. Of course i would stay if necessary and apparently it is. I did get more leeway as to sitting in a chair or getting in the wheelchair and moving around. The first 2 days i HAD to be in bed on my sides. Talk about back pain!
Robbie has been by my side and i know it hurts him having to leave. He just started his new job so he needs to take care of that. My parents have been here everyday so im ok.
Preston is moving around SO MUCH! I can feel different body parts and he hates when i press down on him. =] This is will miss. The constant worry, this hospital stay, the pain of labor... no. I cant wait to hold my baby in my arms.. gah my own lil child. MINE. not my sisters or my freinds.. he mine. I created this miracle with the man that loves me more than life itself... how amazing is that.
I might write more randomness while being here, seeing as i still have 7 days left unless something happens before then. Please keep my lil boy in your prayers through this process. I love texts! Keep me some company =]
LAME!
That's what they say i have. I think, along with all my nurses even my OB think its pretty bogus. But i'm here. I wanted to go home if i could. Of course i would stay if necessary and apparently it is. I did get more leeway as to sitting in a chair or getting in the wheelchair and moving around. The first 2 days i HAD to be in bed on my sides. Talk about back pain!
Robbie has been by my side and i know it hurts him having to leave. He just started his new job so he needs to take care of that. My parents have been here everyday so im ok.
Preston is moving around SO MUCH! I can feel different body parts and he hates when i press down on him. =] This is will miss. The constant worry, this hospital stay, the pain of labor... no. I cant wait to hold my baby in my arms.. gah my own lil child. MINE. not my sisters or my freinds.. he mine. I created this miracle with the man that loves me more than life itself... how amazing is that.
I might write more randomness while being here, seeing as i still have 7 days left unless something happens before then. Please keep my lil boy in your prayers through this process. I love texts! Keep me some company =]
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Dear Preston,
Dear Preston,
Today I am 35 weeks. It's such a joy to have made it this far. I am so anxious for your arrival. I know at this point it's still best that you bake a little longer, but i can't wait for you to be in my arms to hold. I have wanted to write you a letter. I want you to know EXACTLY how loved and special you are. You are a dream come true.
On Christmas day 2010 we left my parents house. We wanted to get home as soon as we could because we knew something was going on. I was 3 days late, I am NEVER late... i'll explain that more later on in life ;) We stopped by walgreens and picked up a pregnancy test. I was so scared, terrified, happy, nervous, anxious, and did i mention scared? Your daddy and I knew from day one we wanted a family. We were expecting an older brother or sister for you, but Heavenly Father neded them more than we did, and took her/him back. We were so sad, i felt so lost. But we knew we would be blessed with another child. I took the test and it was positive. I left the bathroom and your daddy was waiting on the bed. I know he was so scared also, more for me. He didn't want me to hurt anymore. I looked at him, not wanting to smile, and walked to the kitchen. How do i tell him? What exactly do i tell him? I just told him to get the test and look for himself. We were so happy. This was going to happen!
The excitment suddenly stopped. What if you were taken from me too? I could't handle that. We went to the doctor that monday! He saw me without insurance. He wanted this for us as mush as we did. He confirmed. 4 weeks pregnant! That began a long road of sleepless nights, stressful days, and praying for the best every second of the day. Dr. Rhodes gave us goals. i made every single goal. It was looking better and better. Your daddy was at every single appointment, holding my hand, kissing my forhead, and telling me everything was ok. That YOU were ok. I'm sorry if you've felt all that stress. I just love/d you more and more as each day passed. I was still so scared i could lose you. BUT i also knew you are a fighter. You are already so strong and you always comforted me with your kicks. You made mommy feel ok. You made me feel so loved.
Everything was looking so great. You were growing fast and strong. Because i am diabetic they always checked on you. They took more test than a healthy pregnant woman. It was nice seeing you grow all the time. But i would have taken less picures of you, knowing you were perfect, than being on constant watch because of what MY disease could do to you. The doctors wanted to do an Echo of your tiny little heart. That is when we found out you had.. i say had because i have all the faith that when you can actually read this, it will be gone...that you had VSD. Ventricular Septal Defect. Which basically means a hole in your heart. They found 2. We won't know exactly until you are born, but you have so many people praying for you. We know you will be fine.
In less than 5 weeks you will be in my arms. We have waited for you. You are our miracle. We have your own room ready for you. It's full of everything you will need and more. You have tons of material things, nice pretty things for you to look at. But what you are so blessed with is LOVE. You have your mommy (me) and your daddy. You have my mommy and daddy, they already spoil you more than we do! Grandpa Ayala asks about you EVERY SINGLE DAY! Anytime i am around him he rubs my belly (you) It's never about me anymore. It's always you. How's Preston? Is Preston hungry? I got this for Preston. Grandma Ayala is the same way. She does take care of me a little more because i'm her baby! You also have 5 first cousins! You were with one already, Anjel. The one you were named after. I'm sure your going to take after him ALOT! Then there is Daniel, and Lassette, then Cruz and C'era! They are so excited for you to come! They will be more like your aunts and uncles. I helped raise them, now they will help raise you. You also have Monica, my sister. I wish you could be around her in a better situation, but she will love you just the same. You also have another set of grandparents. Papa also asks about you all the time. He came all the way from oklahoma to your babyshower, gave us tons of clothes, and that beautiful swing your going to love! Your step-granny Shawn will also give you tons of love. Then your daddys sister, Robin. I hope y'all are close. Then you have grandma Ronna . She loves you, just loves different... we will take that relationship step by step. You are so loved all around. We will try our hardest to give you all the things we didn't have, but we know you will always be so full of love, full of family. I hope we still enstill in you that family is the most important thing in this world. Without that and God, you have NOTHING.
Faith. I will never shove religion down your throat. I will give you the stepping stones to make your own decision and hope you make the best decision. I grew up catholic. Your daddy grew up LDS. I converted to the LDS church when i was 20 years old. It was the best decision i made, and i want you to make that decision on your own because otherwise it'll never be real to you. only something that mommy and daddy did. Your grandma and grandpa weren't mad at me for converting. They opened their arms wide to it. They saw the change in me. They are still catholic and i'll never take that away from them. My daddys faith is so amazing to me. If it wasn't for his faithfullness in the trials we had i wouldnt be the strong woman i am now. Faith is faith, no matter what the religion. Thats my personal opinion but that's what ive seen in my own life. We WILL raise you in a church. You WILL know God's love. You WILL know our faith and our testimony and i hope one day you will have a testimony of your own. You are a child of God, and you are our miracle.
I love you so much. I can't wait to hold you in my arms. I'm sure i will add to this letter over and over.
This is just my rough draft to my most perfect child.
Mommy loves you.
Today I am 35 weeks. It's such a joy to have made it this far. I am so anxious for your arrival. I know at this point it's still best that you bake a little longer, but i can't wait for you to be in my arms to hold. I have wanted to write you a letter. I want you to know EXACTLY how loved and special you are. You are a dream come true.
On Christmas day 2010 we left my parents house. We wanted to get home as soon as we could because we knew something was going on. I was 3 days late, I am NEVER late... i'll explain that more later on in life ;) We stopped by walgreens and picked up a pregnancy test. I was so scared, terrified, happy, nervous, anxious, and did i mention scared? Your daddy and I knew from day one we wanted a family. We were expecting an older brother or sister for you, but Heavenly Father neded them more than we did, and took her/him back. We were so sad, i felt so lost. But we knew we would be blessed with another child. I took the test and it was positive. I left the bathroom and your daddy was waiting on the bed. I know he was so scared also, more for me. He didn't want me to hurt anymore. I looked at him, not wanting to smile, and walked to the kitchen. How do i tell him? What exactly do i tell him? I just told him to get the test and look for himself. We were so happy. This was going to happen!
The excitment suddenly stopped. What if you were taken from me too? I could't handle that. We went to the doctor that monday! He saw me without insurance. He wanted this for us as mush as we did. He confirmed. 4 weeks pregnant! That began a long road of sleepless nights, stressful days, and praying for the best every second of the day. Dr. Rhodes gave us goals. i made every single goal. It was looking better and better. Your daddy was at every single appointment, holding my hand, kissing my forhead, and telling me everything was ok. That YOU were ok. I'm sorry if you've felt all that stress. I just love/d you more and more as each day passed. I was still so scared i could lose you. BUT i also knew you are a fighter. You are already so strong and you always comforted me with your kicks. You made mommy feel ok. You made me feel so loved.
Everything was looking so great. You were growing fast and strong. Because i am diabetic they always checked on you. They took more test than a healthy pregnant woman. It was nice seeing you grow all the time. But i would have taken less picures of you, knowing you were perfect, than being on constant watch because of what MY disease could do to you. The doctors wanted to do an Echo of your tiny little heart. That is when we found out you had.. i say had because i have all the faith that when you can actually read this, it will be gone...that you had VSD. Ventricular Septal Defect. Which basically means a hole in your heart. They found 2. We won't know exactly until you are born, but you have so many people praying for you. We know you will be fine.
In less than 5 weeks you will be in my arms. We have waited for you. You are our miracle. We have your own room ready for you. It's full of everything you will need and more. You have tons of material things, nice pretty things for you to look at. But what you are so blessed with is LOVE. You have your mommy (me) and your daddy. You have my mommy and daddy, they already spoil you more than we do! Grandpa Ayala asks about you EVERY SINGLE DAY! Anytime i am around him he rubs my belly (you) It's never about me anymore. It's always you. How's Preston? Is Preston hungry? I got this for Preston. Grandma Ayala is the same way. She does take care of me a little more because i'm her baby! You also have 5 first cousins! You were with one already, Anjel. The one you were named after. I'm sure your going to take after him ALOT! Then there is Daniel, and Lassette, then Cruz and C'era! They are so excited for you to come! They will be more like your aunts and uncles. I helped raise them, now they will help raise you. You also have Monica, my sister. I wish you could be around her in a better situation, but she will love you just the same. You also have another set of grandparents. Papa also asks about you all the time. He came all the way from oklahoma to your babyshower, gave us tons of clothes, and that beautiful swing your going to love! Your step-granny Shawn will also give you tons of love. Then your daddys sister, Robin. I hope y'all are close. Then you have grandma Ronna . She loves you, just loves different... we will take that relationship step by step. You are so loved all around. We will try our hardest to give you all the things we didn't have, but we know you will always be so full of love, full of family. I hope we still enstill in you that family is the most important thing in this world. Without that and God, you have NOTHING.
Faith. I will never shove religion down your throat. I will give you the stepping stones to make your own decision and hope you make the best decision. I grew up catholic. Your daddy grew up LDS. I converted to the LDS church when i was 20 years old. It was the best decision i made, and i want you to make that decision on your own because otherwise it'll never be real to you. only something that mommy and daddy did. Your grandma and grandpa weren't mad at me for converting. They opened their arms wide to it. They saw the change in me. They are still catholic and i'll never take that away from them. My daddys faith is so amazing to me. If it wasn't for his faithfullness in the trials we had i wouldnt be the strong woman i am now. Faith is faith, no matter what the religion. Thats my personal opinion but that's what ive seen in my own life. We WILL raise you in a church. You WILL know God's love. You WILL know our faith and our testimony and i hope one day you will have a testimony of your own. You are a child of God, and you are our miracle.
I love you so much. I can't wait to hold you in my arms. I'm sure i will add to this letter over and over.
This is just my rough draft to my most perfect child.
Mommy loves you.
Friday, June 3, 2011
My life
I was 6 when Anjel was born, 8 with Daniel, 12 with Lassette, 17 with Cruz, and 20 with C'Era. My sister had Anjel at 16. You can do the math. She has also been in and out of jail since having Anjel and Daniel. She went into prision, for life, when C'era was 6 MONTHS old, yes, months. To these kids, i have been sister, aunt, mother, and friend. I have given up so much to help my parents take care of them. I grew up with Anjel and Daniel, i was the sister. Lassette, we have a weird relationship. i was still growing up, but also had to take care of her a lot bc my sister was on drugs and my paretns were always bailing her out of jail or talking to lawyers...etc. So i was 12-17 being the mom and sister. With Cruz, Cruz is my baby. I took care of him for a month after he was born bc my sister was on crack,coke, whatever, Cruz's dad beat her coming home, so my mom was at the hospital and my dad had to work. Oh, and yes i was still going to school. keeping it all hidden. Which btw i had issues my junior year... But i disgused the real issue. ANYHOO. C'era, is my lil girl. she calls me mom. She only knows Monica behind a table, glass, fence, and phone.
I babysat all the time bc my parents worked (until my mom had surgery and my dad said no more working) they basically stressed day and night over my sister. As bad as this may sound, we all slept better at night knowing my sister was in jail bc those late nght calls would stop. My senior year consisted of late night parties! Wait, not for me. I got the calls from my sister to go get her. MANY times. So i snuck out, to go get my 27-28 year old sister. I didnt go to the college of my choice, i stayed home, bc who would watch the kids? Yay for MC being decent!
2005 , still the absolute worst year of my life. Cruz was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 2. We found out Anjel was sick, and the dumb doctors of midland texas had no clue, not until we went to the Texas Childrens Hospital on Houston. *SN* if i ever come into money, i would donate my whole life to that hospital, and to type 1 diabetes research, not for myself, but for my poor cruz** Then we found out about Lassette, i wont put that online, then my sister kills someone and yeah... oh i am still going to college! yay me... Who attedned my college graduation. My mom. Anjel was sick in houston... my dad had to be there. i wish it was my dad tho, he was the ONLY one who encouraged me to keep going to school. My mom was old school and thinks school is not important.
The whole point in this before i go on and on, is that those kids made me who i am today. I would do it al over and give up more if i had to. But i am so heartbroken.
I love my sister, i WILL stand by her side no matter what outsiders want to say about her. I am NOT ashamed. Look her up. Monica Palmer, capitol murder. Half the crap they say is ridiculous, but believe what you like. Aside from that, She is what i will NOT be. She was my life lesson. She was on drugs and did all kinds of stupid crap, HAd 5 beuatiful babies, aborted 1. That, i'll NEVER understand. but not my place to judge. I was there for plays and dance recitals. I got called when a kid was sick, i was the one who endured the long wait at emergency rooms bc daniel did something stupid. I gave up new clothes and stuff bc the kids... I prayed and cried over them. I have been super mom and grabbed cruz and rushed to the er when he was having convulsions... idk how, hes heavy im weak, but i did it, a few times. I went out and roamed midland at 2 am to find my neice. I could go on and on. YEs, my parents were there, but Anjel was sick, in and out of the hospital back and forth from houston, my sister, well yeah, then the others. my mom was sick on her own... it was ME. My parents did more that i did, please dont take anything away from them. They are super parents. I dont know grandparents that would do all that they have.
But im the bitch, im the one that gets told to shut up, to leave them alone, that i dont know anything, that i can die. I get no acknowlegement on mothers day. But my sister gets huge cards and calls sorry but what did she do?
I dont want them to make the mistake their mom made. Anjel is gone. Daniel, is in jail, Lassette worries me to death. I dont want her to be a teen mother. I dont want her hurt by stupid little kids! But she is the one who told me her life is hers and i needed to stay out of it. I dont think ive EVER been so hurt. Ill back off. When your little boys cheat on you and break your heart, when your 'girlfriends' back stab you and run all over you, if, GOD FORBID, you get pregnant and are left alone like your mom was, bedides mom and dad, ill be there. When my mom and dad leave this world, ill be here.
Ill always be here bc i love you. Ill back off, but i will never abandon you like you mom and sperm donor have. i'll love you from back here. i promise you all that.
I babysat all the time bc my parents worked (until my mom had surgery and my dad said no more working) they basically stressed day and night over my sister. As bad as this may sound, we all slept better at night knowing my sister was in jail bc those late nght calls would stop. My senior year consisted of late night parties! Wait, not for me. I got the calls from my sister to go get her. MANY times. So i snuck out, to go get my 27-28 year old sister. I didnt go to the college of my choice, i stayed home, bc who would watch the kids? Yay for MC being decent!
2005 , still the absolute worst year of my life. Cruz was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 2. We found out Anjel was sick, and the dumb doctors of midland texas had no clue, not until we went to the Texas Childrens Hospital on Houston. *SN* if i ever come into money, i would donate my whole life to that hospital, and to type 1 diabetes research, not for myself, but for my poor cruz** Then we found out about Lassette, i wont put that online, then my sister kills someone and yeah... oh i am still going to college! yay me... Who attedned my college graduation. My mom. Anjel was sick in houston... my dad had to be there. i wish it was my dad tho, he was the ONLY one who encouraged me to keep going to school. My mom was old school and thinks school is not important.
The whole point in this before i go on and on, is that those kids made me who i am today. I would do it al over and give up more if i had to. But i am so heartbroken.
I love my sister, i WILL stand by her side no matter what outsiders want to say about her. I am NOT ashamed. Look her up. Monica Palmer, capitol murder. Half the crap they say is ridiculous, but believe what you like. Aside from that, She is what i will NOT be. She was my life lesson. She was on drugs and did all kinds of stupid crap, HAd 5 beuatiful babies, aborted 1. That, i'll NEVER understand. but not my place to judge. I was there for plays and dance recitals. I got called when a kid was sick, i was the one who endured the long wait at emergency rooms bc daniel did something stupid. I gave up new clothes and stuff bc the kids... I prayed and cried over them. I have been super mom and grabbed cruz and rushed to the er when he was having convulsions... idk how, hes heavy im weak, but i did it, a few times. I went out and roamed midland at 2 am to find my neice. I could go on and on. YEs, my parents were there, but Anjel was sick, in and out of the hospital back and forth from houston, my sister, well yeah, then the others. my mom was sick on her own... it was ME. My parents did more that i did, please dont take anything away from them. They are super parents. I dont know grandparents that would do all that they have.
But im the bitch, im the one that gets told to shut up, to leave them alone, that i dont know anything, that i can die. I get no acknowlegement on mothers day. But my sister gets huge cards and calls sorry but what did she do?
I dont want them to make the mistake their mom made. Anjel is gone. Daniel, is in jail, Lassette worries me to death. I dont want her to be a teen mother. I dont want her hurt by stupid little kids! But she is the one who told me her life is hers and i needed to stay out of it. I dont think ive EVER been so hurt. Ill back off. When your little boys cheat on you and break your heart, when your 'girlfriends' back stab you and run all over you, if, GOD FORBID, you get pregnant and are left alone like your mom was, bedides mom and dad, ill be there. When my mom and dad leave this world, ill be here.
Ill always be here bc i love you. Ill back off, but i will never abandon you like you mom and sperm donor have. i'll love you from back here. i promise you all that.
Friday, May 27, 2011
i just need to vent..again
Money.
My parents have paid my car for May and June. I am completely ashamed. I am the kid that they weren't supposed to worry about. They have my sister and her kids to worry about, not me. I know they dont mind doing it, they do it without ANY hesitation, they OFFER. We don't get any lecture. Just that i will be able to help them, or someone else like my nieces and nephews when we are on our feet. And i get that, and of course i'll do that. Doesn't make it a very hard pill to swallow. I am so grateful for them. Unlike a ton of parents they demand repayment, or people that have parents they know they could never go to. I am blessed with such amazingly loving GODLY parents that have so much faith.
It's not a money issue, it's a lack of faith. Where has my faith gone? I was the one in my family to wipe the tears, to pray with, that reassured my mom and the kids, that held your hand and told you everything will be ok. it's not ok and i'm not ok.
I know Robbie is trying so so so hard. We were promised better with this new job, and it isn't better at all. We both made job decisons that were wrong. He quit Courtyard with the hopes and promises that he would make double! It really...honestly..wasnt the money for us. He would have better hours, not work with lazy people, and wouldnt be so stressed. Then my grandfather died and it's all gone down hill from there. I didnt go back to work. The stress wasn't worth it. Especially now. We were not going to lose this baby and would do all we had to to make sure it wasn't gonna happen. So we lost 1400/month. he made 2400/month. With the things they told him we were going to be ok, he would make what i did. No, he makes maybe 1600/month now.
Nothing fits me. All my shorts do not button so i have to wear a belly band. The tops that do fit come to like 4. And my long summer dresses that i have to wear something with bc its sleeveless. My whole closet full, bins at home full of clothes..and nothing fits, and obvioulsy no money to buy more.
Pregnancy cravings...What's that? I have them, a lot of them, but i keep my mouth shut and the few times something slips i tell robbie i really dont want it. He jumps when i say i want... to go get it. I love him, like i said he tries so hard. But if i dont say anything he wont feel like hes not providing for me, not taking care of me, not spoiling me.
Groceries. I am on WIC. I was too prideful to ever be on govnt assisntance. I would save that for people that actually needed it. =[ Im grateful for that milk and peanut butter and bread. i get to crave pb an j and cereal! this is what holds us over. If i never have to eat hamburger helper again in my life, i will be ok. The way we spilt up our hamburger meat is small. (we buy the huge rolls) So i eat a normal helping and smaller helpings of the veggies, so robbie can have more. I just drink a lot more water so i will get full. Thankfully i am heavier bc im not starving my baby.
Robbie. I hurt the most bc of him. He is on his feet allllll day 5 days a week. Working on comission. He hasnt had a hair cut in about 2 months, his shoes have holes, and his undies...well he needs new ones. I cry every single day bc of this. But he wont but those things so we can eat. So he can suprise me with ice cream, or so we can oput gas in the car. He's even now donating plasma twice a week for 50/week for gas money. He is such a hard worker, He has been looking for a new job, and refuses over and over after me begging and begging for me to get a job. i am supposed to take of myself for Preston. That's my job. He say's.
I've told him to cut off the extra cable and the internet, but he says what am i supposed to do while im at home. He is such a good man to me and i know it breaks his heart more than mine that we are in this situation.
Im in a group on facebook. September moms of 2011. They talk about online shopping and geting this and this for baby and how they ordered all these clothes for themselves. Im jealous. I go to my appointments in the same outfits. I use minimal makeup to make it last. im just complaining now.
Im sorry. Its just hard. and i know its going to be so much harder when Preston gets here, but we will do anything for him.
My parents have paid my car for May and June. I am completely ashamed. I am the kid that they weren't supposed to worry about. They have my sister and her kids to worry about, not me. I know they dont mind doing it, they do it without ANY hesitation, they OFFER. We don't get any lecture. Just that i will be able to help them, or someone else like my nieces and nephews when we are on our feet. And i get that, and of course i'll do that. Doesn't make it a very hard pill to swallow. I am so grateful for them. Unlike a ton of parents they demand repayment, or people that have parents they know they could never go to. I am blessed with such amazingly loving GODLY parents that have so much faith.
It's not a money issue, it's a lack of faith. Where has my faith gone? I was the one in my family to wipe the tears, to pray with, that reassured my mom and the kids, that held your hand and told you everything will be ok. it's not ok and i'm not ok.
I know Robbie is trying so so so hard. We were promised better with this new job, and it isn't better at all. We both made job decisons that were wrong. He quit Courtyard with the hopes and promises that he would make double! It really...honestly..wasnt the money for us. He would have better hours, not work with lazy people, and wouldnt be so stressed. Then my grandfather died and it's all gone down hill from there. I didnt go back to work. The stress wasn't worth it. Especially now. We were not going to lose this baby and would do all we had to to make sure it wasn't gonna happen. So we lost 1400/month. he made 2400/month. With the things they told him we were going to be ok, he would make what i did. No, he makes maybe 1600/month now.
Nothing fits me. All my shorts do not button so i have to wear a belly band. The tops that do fit come to like 4. And my long summer dresses that i have to wear something with bc its sleeveless. My whole closet full, bins at home full of clothes..and nothing fits, and obvioulsy no money to buy more.
Pregnancy cravings...What's that? I have them, a lot of them, but i keep my mouth shut and the few times something slips i tell robbie i really dont want it. He jumps when i say i want... to go get it. I love him, like i said he tries so hard. But if i dont say anything he wont feel like hes not providing for me, not taking care of me, not spoiling me.
Groceries. I am on WIC. I was too prideful to ever be on govnt assisntance. I would save that for people that actually needed it. =[ Im grateful for that milk and peanut butter and bread. i get to crave pb an j and cereal! this is what holds us over. If i never have to eat hamburger helper again in my life, i will be ok. The way we spilt up our hamburger meat is small. (we buy the huge rolls) So i eat a normal helping and smaller helpings of the veggies, so robbie can have more. I just drink a lot more water so i will get full. Thankfully i am heavier bc im not starving my baby.
Robbie. I hurt the most bc of him. He is on his feet allllll day 5 days a week. Working on comission. He hasnt had a hair cut in about 2 months, his shoes have holes, and his undies...well he needs new ones. I cry every single day bc of this. But he wont but those things so we can eat. So he can suprise me with ice cream, or so we can oput gas in the car. He's even now donating plasma twice a week for 50/week for gas money. He is such a hard worker, He has been looking for a new job, and refuses over and over after me begging and begging for me to get a job. i am supposed to take of myself for Preston. That's my job. He say's.
I've told him to cut off the extra cable and the internet, but he says what am i supposed to do while im at home. He is such a good man to me and i know it breaks his heart more than mine that we are in this situation.
Im in a group on facebook. September moms of 2011. They talk about online shopping and geting this and this for baby and how they ordered all these clothes for themselves. Im jealous. I go to my appointments in the same outfits. I use minimal makeup to make it last. im just complaining now.
Im sorry. Its just hard. and i know its going to be so much harder when Preston gets here, but we will do anything for him.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I AM AMERICAN
My thought on immigration:
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
If you want to be here, and have that "American Dream" beomce a citizen. The end.
I am so DAMN sick of mexicans telling me im not mexican enough. ok good, bc im not mexican. i was not born nor raised in Mexico. I was born in College Station, Texas, USA! Guess what, I DONT know spanish, I HATE making tortillas, I'll never do cheap labor bc im expensive, I dont 'shank' people, i dont draw on my eyebrows and say orale, I dont drive a lowrider, or cruise south side on sundays, Every meal does not contain rice and beans, do i need to go on? So am i 'less' mexican because of that? FINE. Does that mean i dont know where i come from? NO. Being of mexican heritage isn't in how you act. It's in what you know, and how to better that. I am so sick of people asking me if my parents are mexicano just bc i dont learn spanish... No ma'am they aren't bc like me, and like thier parents. and their parents, and their parents we were born in the USA. And if you wanna get down to it.. i am TEXAN before i am american and american before i am mexican. Then lets add in my german and irsh heritage.. Do i get to celebrate st. patricks day too? Or should the irsh hate on me, like mexicans do bc i dont care to celebrate cinco de mayo or the 16th of september...
Stop acting stupid and illiterate. Stop giving ALL of us a bad name. Do something good for yourself and your family. PLEASE be proud of who you are, and if that is living in AMERICA stop flying your damn mexican flag unless your have the American flag waving right beside it.
My son WILL know who he is. He is half hispanic and have white. He will have the choice the learn spanish if he wants, not because he is part spanish but becaause it intrests him. I wont care if he dates or marries in or out of his "race". I hope he doesnt get the same criticism i get just bc i chose to marry a man with white skin.
I am American. And DAMN proud.
VSD
Ventricular Septal Defect
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002089/Basically, its holes in the heart.
I was told 2 weeks ago about Preston having VSD. It's actually pretty common, and if all pregnant woman got tested, there would be more cases of it. The reason most don't know is because the holes of the heart can and more than likely WILL close before he is born.
I was told i shouldn't worry. That when Preston is born to have them do an ECG, if they find nothing, we basically do nothing...he is fine. If they find the holes we may still not do anything... They may not afect him in any way, unless we see low birth weight, him not gaining weight, poor breathing, etc. At that point it would just change his diet, along with me breastfeeding ill give his a special formula, and medication. Then that may be all.
The WORST case senario, is surgery. A common surgery, and after that everything should be fine..
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
We all have high hopes of them closing before he even arrives. We also think those steriod shots i was already given has given him a leg up on being even more healthy.
But being told your baby has a defect, no matter the defect is hard. NOTHING and i mean nothing rocks your faith than when its in the hands of your own child.
My baby boy will be ok. He is strong. And i think i/we went through all of Anjel's illness to better help me prepare for this, even if 'this' is just an unnecessary worry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)