Everyone knows i'm type one diabetic. Yippee...
This may be hard for people to read. Maybe i'm stupid for writting something so personal inside of me. But that diabetes, is not why i'm sick.
It's my gun.
I was diagnosed Feb 1 2009. The reason i know that is because it was the night of the super bowl. My life changed in ways i never realized. I truly think this is where my faith diminished. I prayed over and over for God to take Anjel's illness away form him, give it to me, have me die. Well we know thats not what happened. Then about 33 days after his death i get sick!?! Not sir, that wasn't our deal. Our deal was that for him to be ok and well and ALIVE ill be sick and die... but you took him, so why am i sick. NO NO NO!
Well, i have gotten over that. But it is how i thought. i was although. very VERY naive. I think i took my insulin for about 2 months... I hated it, it was toooo much to handle. Then i noticed i started to lose weight...hmm. Long story short...I lost over 100lbs in a year bc my sugar was so high it ate my fat and muscle in irder to have the energy to fight my sugar levels.
I was the prettiest i have ever been! Y'all know it... bc Y'ALL told me! Told me how good i looked. To keep up the good job. I got complimented all the time on clothes hair make up face everything. I got attention from all kinds of people, yes, especially guys, but people talked to me more, like i was more relatable bc i was skinnier. WOW so this is what it is like to be pretty and skinny! I didnt get the comments like "such a pretty face gone to waste" sorry bc i was fat i wasnt such a "pretty" face. People looked into my eyes, people smiled at me, guys wanted to be with me. This all my sound so stupid but when you dont have it, its a whole new world. I didnt want to leave this...no.matter.the.cost. Even my petty life.
I'll say this, i know a huge reason that pushed Curtis away from me was the fact i did'nt care to live, to save myself, so why or how could i save or love someone else... I GET IT...but it didn't matter.
Then Robbie came. He showed me things i never knew i could see. Made me feel a way i never thought was real. It was beyond me being gorgeous or skinny. He saw me. My struggles, my failures, my hopes and my dreams. Was this the person to change my outlook on life? To make me want to take care of myself for..I thought so. Please dont get me wrong. Robbie is amazing, so loving, he is truly my everything, my prince and my knight in shining armor. But i was wrong. That change had to be in me. and it's not.
I got engaged, thoughts of me needing insulin for my future babies came to mind. did i take it? yeah once i found out i was pregnant. And i lost that baby. Yes, all my fault. ill take that fault. im a horrible selfish person, and im sorry. ill never forgive myself. my doctors can say it happens, that more than likely it could have been a genetic thing.. no IT WAS MY FAULT. within the time i found out i was pregnant, to having the miscarriage i gained about 20 lbs. Bc i finally gave my body that insulin it so desperately needed. I tried to continue. But i was gaining so much weight. by my birthday i was not taking insulin and downing so many diet pills. i was not losing anything. i went into a depression i didnt care to come out of. I lost my baby, that in itself stressed me out and made my body whack. Then being on and off inslin added more weight and stress. Then the newness of being married...then my job became so stressful, then we wanted to try again. I started to use insulin regularly. I found out christmas day i was expecting. THE BEST PRESENT EVER. Now 7 months pregnant... i have gained 100 lbs. Through all that, knowing its not bc i sat down and stuffed my face, i have gained it back.
Im that fat, ugly, invisible girl again. My sickness is back. I love Preston so much, This is what ive wanted for ever. I have my husband and now soon my baby boy, and all i can think about is losing those 100lbs again, even if its me not taking my insulin anymore...
Please don't judge me. Please don't look down on me. I AM a good mother. Im doing ALL i have to know for my baby. But i just want to be pretty again. No one can fix that but me. I understand Preston needs a momma. But does he really want some ugly fat mother? no.
OK go ahead and tell me to watch what i eat, to exercise, blah blah blah. Have you been fat allllllll your life? Are you diabetic? If not, i dont want your advice. Sorry.
none of this is Robbie's fault. he tells me daily how GORGEOUS i am. That the woman i am now is a million times better than the girl he met bc i am carrying his child. I am blessed. im just too blind to be ok with it.
i just needed to let this out. i dont need criticism i need love. that is it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Anjel
It's no doubt been a very hard road after losing my nephew. It's not gotten easier, at all, in no way. Can i function, yes..because i HAVE to. The crying can be controlled...i cry A LOT. When i say controlled i mean i can stop, because anything and everything will set me off to cry. But if my phone at work rings, someone walks in, etc.. I can take a deep breathe, and go on.
Nights seem to be the worst though. No one to stop for. Why stop? Robbie 'comforts' me...I'm not going to lie though, he tells me it's ok, holds me, wipes my tears, listens to me through my cries.. but it doesn't ease the pain. I love him for trying.
The pain. Never in my life have i felt pain like this. Granted, I've never been hurt too bad physically. I've seen a lot of death. Especially friends. Growing up, even now, i've gone to more friends funerals, than family. But still.. way to much death. But that.. DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS! I'm not saying it was suppsoed to, maybe it was, who knows. But it's a deep down hurt. I literally feel a peice missing. Seriously.
Let me get this out...
I KNOW he's so much better. He is whole. PERFECT. (the crying starts..) HE CAN BREATHE! my baby boy can breathe.. He couldn't on earth. His lungs weren't good. Even after the transplant. He doesn't have that anxious fear while walking if he can make it, if the oxygen won't cut off.
I would never wish that upon him again. If i had a magic genie and could bring him back, i wouldn't.
That still doesn't make it better.
Maybe i'm not faithful, not as faithful as i used to be. I'm a hyprocrite. Or maybe that's me trying to figure things out, understand it as best as i can to manage. My family (parents, sibling, neices nephews that's MY family) we have gone through so damn much. NEVER asking why. NEVER wondering. Dealing. Serving God. Giving to others. My dad taught me to ALWAYS give. If we were good, bills paid, good clothes on our backs, and food to eat, give away the rest. b/c someone is ALWAYS worse off. So.. we did. I'm not bragging by any means. We were poor, we were rich. Monetarily anyway. But always rich with love bc my parents taught us, GOD IS GOOD. We never asked for anything. nothing. It wasn't a pride thing. My parents went without so we wouldn't.
BUT the one thing we asked for, a miracle for mijo. We were failed.
I told them "but we did get our miracle. Who knows if he was suppsoed to die getting a double lung transplant. Maybe even before that when he had his first operation. WHO KNOWS
But more times than not, i feel we were failed.
I KNOW that sounds so horrible. but that's how i felt. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I took care of the house and went to college while my mom and dad took turns in Houston with Anjel. We could't count on my sister, then she eventually she went to jail. We managed on what we could. We did it. ALL WE WANTED WAS ANJEL BETTER. THAT.IS. ALL.
We got it, just not in the way we wanted.
I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father needed him more than we did.
GOD THIS HURTS! i want to scream.
I'm honestly not angry with Heavenly Father, as much as it may seem like i am, i'm not. It's my own hurt. Mijo is perfect. I just miss him. It hurts to breathe without him.
I talk to him all the time. I know he's there. I know he's listening. But dammit i want to hear him! I want to hear his voice. See his smile. God.. hear his laugh. again anger from myself bc that is fading away. As much as i try to remember and hold on it's fading. All i remember is his 'dang', 'chill' and the tongue smack. It's not enough. and please don't say well at least you still have that.
I'm angry with myself. I know my family needed me here so they could be there. I GOT ZERO TIME WITH HIM. And for the short time he was ok, he was with freinds, girlfriends, school... When he was sick at home i worked nights.... i regret that so so so so so much. I slept, went to work, and repeated. I remeber getting frustrated with him. I would just fall asleep and my mom would say anjel needs you to calm him down (we all had our moments/gifts with him. I was the one he needed for prayer, and to calm him down. When he started getting anxious i'd go hold his hand and tell him to breath..slowly..in and out. breathe with him. and it worked. He hated when anyone else tried.. it had to be me. The prayer. He wanted my insight. He would tell me if God would answer his prayers. If he would be able to walk and breathe normally. That in his dreams he could walk. BREATHE. And i'd tell him, mijo just pray. God is so GOOD and you will get better. We would cry. and Then i'd pray. Hold him and pray outloud with him.
I GOT FRUSTRATED bc of that. i neede to sleep bc i had to work 12 hrs that night. Wwhy couldnt someone else help him. So i got out of bed mad, did what i had to, and left. I HATE MYSELF for that.
I hope he forgives me. I hope that he knows i love him so much. i need him.
I think that's why i cry so much now. Does he forgive me? Does he know i would change that? Does he know i wish i could have taken his sickness from him? Does he know i prayed for him daily? Does he know i'd give up way more. Even if was only with us for the same amount of time, I would have given up EVERYTHING? Screw college, i would have been there by his side. Holding his hand. Screw a great paying job in the field i went to school for.. I would have been there by his side DAY AND NIGHT. I hope he knows that.. I know he knows that. But i haven't forgiven myself. I can't and probably won't.
He was suppsoed to help me with his brothers and sisters. With mom and dad. With his mom. I NEED HIM. I'm sorry i'm so selfish but i need him.
I just miss you. I'm sorry for not being there, but i did what i thought was right. Everyone had their place. I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Everyone that has and will know me, WILL KNOW YOU. I am so grateful your not in pain. And i will take this pain, just to know your not in any. Just please forgive me. I love you mijo, my Anjel baby.
Nights seem to be the worst though. No one to stop for. Why stop? Robbie 'comforts' me...I'm not going to lie though, he tells me it's ok, holds me, wipes my tears, listens to me through my cries.. but it doesn't ease the pain. I love him for trying.
The pain. Never in my life have i felt pain like this. Granted, I've never been hurt too bad physically. I've seen a lot of death. Especially friends. Growing up, even now, i've gone to more friends funerals, than family. But still.. way to much death. But that.. DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS! I'm not saying it was suppsoed to, maybe it was, who knows. But it's a deep down hurt. I literally feel a peice missing. Seriously.
Let me get this out...
I KNOW he's so much better. He is whole. PERFECT. (the crying starts..) HE CAN BREATHE! my baby boy can breathe.. He couldn't on earth. His lungs weren't good. Even after the transplant. He doesn't have that anxious fear while walking if he can make it, if the oxygen won't cut off.
I would never wish that upon him again. If i had a magic genie and could bring him back, i wouldn't.
That still doesn't make it better.
Maybe i'm not faithful, not as faithful as i used to be. I'm a hyprocrite. Or maybe that's me trying to figure things out, understand it as best as i can to manage. My family (parents, sibling, neices nephews that's MY family) we have gone through so damn much. NEVER asking why. NEVER wondering. Dealing. Serving God. Giving to others. My dad taught me to ALWAYS give. If we were good, bills paid, good clothes on our backs, and food to eat, give away the rest. b/c someone is ALWAYS worse off. So.. we did. I'm not bragging by any means. We were poor, we were rich. Monetarily anyway. But always rich with love bc my parents taught us, GOD IS GOOD. We never asked for anything. nothing. It wasn't a pride thing. My parents went without so we wouldn't.
BUT the one thing we asked for, a miracle for mijo. We were failed.
I told them "but we did get our miracle. Who knows if he was suppsoed to die getting a double lung transplant. Maybe even before that when he had his first operation. WHO KNOWS
But more times than not, i feel we were failed.
I KNOW that sounds so horrible. but that's how i felt. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I took care of the house and went to college while my mom and dad took turns in Houston with Anjel. We could't count on my sister, then she eventually she went to jail. We managed on what we could. We did it. ALL WE WANTED WAS ANJEL BETTER. THAT.IS. ALL.
We got it, just not in the way we wanted.
I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father needed him more than we did.
GOD THIS HURTS! i want to scream.
I'm honestly not angry with Heavenly Father, as much as it may seem like i am, i'm not. It's my own hurt. Mijo is perfect. I just miss him. It hurts to breathe without him.
I talk to him all the time. I know he's there. I know he's listening. But dammit i want to hear him! I want to hear his voice. See his smile. God.. hear his laugh. again anger from myself bc that is fading away. As much as i try to remember and hold on it's fading. All i remember is his 'dang', 'chill' and the tongue smack. It's not enough. and please don't say well at least you still have that.
I'm angry with myself. I know my family needed me here so they could be there. I GOT ZERO TIME WITH HIM. And for the short time he was ok, he was with freinds, girlfriends, school... When he was sick at home i worked nights.... i regret that so so so so so much. I slept, went to work, and repeated. I remeber getting frustrated with him. I would just fall asleep and my mom would say anjel needs you to calm him down (we all had our moments/gifts with him. I was the one he needed for prayer, and to calm him down. When he started getting anxious i'd go hold his hand and tell him to breath..slowly..in and out. breathe with him. and it worked. He hated when anyone else tried.. it had to be me. The prayer. He wanted my insight. He would tell me if God would answer his prayers. If he would be able to walk and breathe normally. That in his dreams he could walk. BREATHE. And i'd tell him, mijo just pray. God is so GOOD and you will get better. We would cry. and Then i'd pray. Hold him and pray outloud with him.
I GOT FRUSTRATED bc of that. i neede to sleep bc i had to work 12 hrs that night. Wwhy couldnt someone else help him. So i got out of bed mad, did what i had to, and left. I HATE MYSELF for that.
I hope he forgives me. I hope that he knows i love him so much. i need him.
I think that's why i cry so much now. Does he forgive me? Does he know i would change that? Does he know i wish i could have taken his sickness from him? Does he know i prayed for him daily? Does he know i'd give up way more. Even if was only with us for the same amount of time, I would have given up EVERYTHING? Screw college, i would have been there by his side. Holding his hand. Screw a great paying job in the field i went to school for.. I would have been there by his side DAY AND NIGHT. I hope he knows that.. I know he knows that. But i haven't forgiven myself. I can't and probably won't.
He was suppsoed to help me with his brothers and sisters. With mom and dad. With his mom. I NEED HIM. I'm sorry i'm so selfish but i need him.
I just miss you. I'm sorry for not being there, but i did what i thought was right. Everyone had their place. I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Everyone that has and will know me, WILL KNOW YOU. I am so grateful your not in pain. And i will take this pain, just to know your not in any. Just please forgive me. I love you mijo, my Anjel baby.
ANJEL CANUTO AYALA
JUNE 29, 1991- DECEMBER 31, 2008
Gone too soon.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I wish you knew
I wish you knew how much i love you.
I wish you knew how i look at you and THANK HEAVENLY FATHER for you.
I wish you knew that you are the answers to all my prayers.
I wish you knew what you have done for me.
It's when you hold my hand.
It's when you kiss my head.
It's when you look at me.
The way i fit so perfectly in your arms.
The way you call my name.
The way you take care of me.
It's all you CONSTANTLY do for me, Especially when i don't deserve it.
The way you tell me you love me... I know it's true.
I could tell you over and over, I could write you a note every single day..but it will not ever give you a glimpse of what you mean to me.
Robert Mitchell Gibb Jr., I could'nt ask for anyone better. I could't ask for a better father for my children. I could't ask for a better husband.
I love you.
I wish you knew how i look at you and THANK HEAVENLY FATHER for you.
I wish you knew that you are the answers to all my prayers.
I wish you knew what you have done for me.
It's when you hold my hand.
It's when you kiss my head.
It's when you look at me.
The way i fit so perfectly in your arms.
The way you call my name.
The way you take care of me.
It's all you CONSTANTLY do for me, Especially when i don't deserve it.
The way you tell me you love me... I know it's true.
I could tell you over and over, I could write you a note every single day..but it will not ever give you a glimpse of what you mean to me.
Robert Mitchell Gibb Jr., I could'nt ask for anyone better. I could't ask for a better father for my children. I could't ask for a better husband.
I love you.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
But...that's not what's on my mind... it's money.
I've always been a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING. IT was inherited.. really.
But lately, now that i'm trying to see if i can go to part time, to even quit after the baby is born and i've noticed..I have no idea how much we spend on eating out, how much we COULD save, and how if i quit.. we will have nothing. I'm not saying i make tons, only a lil over 1,400 a month.
BUT
That pays for the "fun" the little neccessities like TP, Tooth paste, SHAMPOO... stuff that i really didn't realize comes from my check.
Maybe it's normal. Maybe i need to find a bbetter paying job...or maybe i need to calm down and know God will provide.
That was my rant today.
I'm not going to post about the awesome flowers and chocolates Robie gave me.. bc.. I tld him we can't afford that :/
Oh goodness.
Friday, January 21, 2011
FiVE MONTHS
I just wanted to say
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
to my amazing husband!
It's been a great 5 months married to you.
You're absoultely my prince and
I LA LA LOVE YOU!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Introducing Baby Gibb
This is Baby Gibb @ 7 weeks.!
S/He looks like a gummy bear!
I am, of course, wanting a girl and
Robbie, of course, wants a boy..
What do you think?
Daddy Ayala: Boy
Mommy Ayala: Girl
Marissa (Crystal's Best Friend): Girl
Shawn (Robbie's Best Friend): Boy
Rebecca N.: Boy
Staci P.: Girl
David D.: Boy
Andrew G.:Boy
Lynzee C.: Girl
Danielle T.: Boy
David D.: Boy
Andrew G.:Boy
Lynzee C.: Girl
Danielle T.: Boy
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Heartbeat
Yesterday i went in to see the fabulous Dr. Rhodes. This was a nerve racking appointment. 6 weeks.... Last pregnancy at 6 weeks my world changed and found/heard no heart beat. and then began the downward spiral of a miscarriage. So this time, was a "make it or break it" for me. I wanted to go in and one of two things happen.. hear a heart beat, then scream to the world i'm having a baby, or not hear one, do what i need, and move on. I know that probably seems so harsh. But after that experience i was drained emotionally, on all levels. Life was a motionless day to day thing. I had a great support around me, but it didn't matter. My husband, poor Robbie, was married to a zombie and i brought him down with me. Every where i looked was pregnant woman and it wasn't fair. Why them and not me? I was just, horrible. So, to get to the point, if it was going to happen again, i wasn't going to drown in it...again.
BUT, we saw that little heart beating, fast, strong, so full of life. I could finally breath. Of course, i'm still nervous. Still so many what ifs. But i have so many reasons to be positive. Our entire world is about to change, and we are so completely ready for it. I want all the symptoms.. i know why would i want them... but to me that confirms pregnancy. The morning sickness, bloating, cravings, i want it all. But i haven't gotten them all. I know not all pregnancies are the same, and not every woman will get every symptom.
I'm scared and nervous, but most of all, excited. I think i will be a fabulous mother. I mean afterall i did help raise all 5 of my nieces and nephews! Ha, then i come to reality and know, i really have no clue. This is going to be totally different. Yes, i do know alot. It wasn't a situation where my sister brought the kids over and i babysat. No, i missed out on so much to help. I already had the sleepless nights, being in the ER overnight, searching Midland for a nephew, PTA meetings, getting called out of school/work, to go get a kid, getting thrown up on, peed on, chaning a million diapers a night, the tears, ALL of it. No, i wouldn't change a thing. But it's still going to be different. This is my child. As much as i was the kids aunt/mom/sister, I will be this childs mom, and mom only.
i'm sure none of this makes sense. and i am really just blabbering on. I know i will get the whole "IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME KNOW" so here it is:
PRAY. Pray for my child to grow, grow strong and healthy. That is all i need right now.
ok, so imma go wipe these tears and i promise, i am taking care of myself!
BUT, we saw that little heart beating, fast, strong, so full of life. I could finally breath. Of course, i'm still nervous. Still so many what ifs. But i have so many reasons to be positive. Our entire world is about to change, and we are so completely ready for it. I want all the symptoms.. i know why would i want them... but to me that confirms pregnancy. The morning sickness, bloating, cravings, i want it all. But i haven't gotten them all. I know not all pregnancies are the same, and not every woman will get every symptom.
I'm scared and nervous, but most of all, excited. I think i will be a fabulous mother. I mean afterall i did help raise all 5 of my nieces and nephews! Ha, then i come to reality and know, i really have no clue. This is going to be totally different. Yes, i do know alot. It wasn't a situation where my sister brought the kids over and i babysat. No, i missed out on so much to help. I already had the sleepless nights, being in the ER overnight, searching Midland for a nephew, PTA meetings, getting called out of school/work, to go get a kid, getting thrown up on, peed on, chaning a million diapers a night, the tears, ALL of it. No, i wouldn't change a thing. But it's still going to be different. This is my child. As much as i was the kids aunt/mom/sister, I will be this childs mom, and mom only.
i'm sure none of this makes sense. and i am really just blabbering on. I know i will get the whole "IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME KNOW" so here it is:
PRAY. Pray for my child to grow, grow strong and healthy. That is all i need right now.
ok, so imma go wipe these tears and i promise, i am taking care of myself!
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